This morning I was talking to husband about our coming six year anniversary. I never knew that we would get to six years and be childless. I was telling him that we are only four years away from being married for 10 years. I wondered what it would be like to be married 10 years and still not have kids.
One of the most common responses from people when I tell them we can't have kids, is
it will happen eventually. You would think after five years of trying they would stop. But no, I still get that a lot. And it doesn't help that I turn 39 this year. So husband said, after my comment about in four years, "I guess we will have to get another goal by then."
It was a smack of reality right in my face. One of the struggles I have been trying to sort out since Princess A left is what is my purpose. How did having kids become my everything? Our pastor said once that anything that gets more of your attention than God is an idol. I know I have made kids an idol. It is really the first goal I have ever had that I couldnt' reach.
So if husband and I can't have kids, what is my purpose? What is my purpose now? I felt so fulfilled as a mom and now I am childless again. So I can't keep waiting for kids to be meeting the purpose God has for me. But what is that purpose?
I know "the chief end of man is to glorify God" but daily how do I live that out? I work at a non-profit but my work isn't having a direct impact on those we are trying to help or serve. I do project traffic of our marketing. It isn't a question with a direct answer right now. It is something I am pondering.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The art of sitting still
Husband and I are considering a move. For the past 5 years I have been driving 2 hours a day for work. I feel like a lot of my life has been wasted in a car. We put it off because of foster care. But now, no kids and husband is working 45 minutes away now.
But here is the rub. God has called me to a time of sitting still. I am the kind of girl who did foster care and fertility treatments all at the same time. I love action. I love chaos. Doing is my MO. Well now, I can't seem to move. No foster care, no fertility treatments, nothing. I am sitting.
One song that has been going through my head is Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. So I wait. and wait. Nothing. No big light saying move. I feel like at times like all this movement inside of me is building up and I can't seem to move. Like a cartoon character whose feet are going so fast they are in a blur but I am being held back. I feel like I could explode. So I am trying to learn the art of sitting still. It isn't going so well.
But here is the rub. God has called me to a time of sitting still. I am the kind of girl who did foster care and fertility treatments all at the same time. I love action. I love chaos. Doing is my MO. Well now, I can't seem to move. No foster care, no fertility treatments, nothing. I am sitting.
One song that has been going through my head is Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. So I wait. and wait. Nothing. No big light saying move. I feel like at times like all this movement inside of me is building up and I can't seem to move. Like a cartoon character whose feet are going so fast they are in a blur but I am being held back. I feel like I could explode. So I am trying to learn the art of sitting still. It isn't going so well.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Grief and Joy
This past year has been hell. And it has been full of great amazing joy. Five years ago, husband and I decided to start a family. After a year, we went to a specialist and found out that we would have a hard time getting pregnant on our own.
First we were told our only option was IVF which costs wayyyyy too much. So we thought ok, we will adopt. That is also very expensive. Finally we settled on foster care. We felt God calling us to minister to families and kids. It was a fight for many reasons to get licensed and then we waited three months.
The first child was a three year old girl. Princess A is an amazing little girl who I fell in love with at first sight. One thing we learned about foster care, it is a rollercoaster not for the faint of heart. We were told so many different things that she would stay, go, whatever. It was crazy. And as hard as it was on us, Princess A. spent a year and half of her life in limbo.
After we got Princess A, we realized that foster care isn't the way to build a permanent family. (at least not easily) So off we went to do IUI's. That is where they put the sperm up close to where it should be. On Dec 7, 2008 after being told we had 0% of it working, I had a postiive pregnancy test. But I was spotting and was told the next day it was a chemical pregnancy. By the way, IUI's are only $600 which is much cheaper than IVF.
So we waited a couple of months and tried another IUI. This time, we got pregnant and remained pregnant for 9 beautiful weeks. At a very traumatic ultrasound appointment we were told that our baby had died. There was no heartbeat, not movement. And he was smaller than he should have been.
So the next day I had a d/c. The obgyn was amazing and sensitive. This is where the grief and joy became very real to me. In the midst of my grief, God sent many friends to lift me up. To listen, to send cards and food. We still had Princess A. That was very hard to handle.
A few months later we were placed with C, who I call Little man. HOLY COW he is a cutie. We had him till October 2009. And as suddenly as he came, he was gone. He went to live with relatives of his dad. They are awesome peoeple. But as happy as I was for them, I was crushed for husband and I.
Then right as he was leaving, we were told Princess A would be leaving. At this point I begged God to take me home to my babies. The pain was overwhelming. It took three more months before Princess A left. She also went to relatives that are awesome.
So grief and joy. I love the quote from CS Lewis: "The pain now is part of the happiness then." I would not give up the pain I feel now. It would mean not having Princess A as part of my life. Or the joy of seeing those two lines on the test.
I recently read "I will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It is a beautiful story of her loss of her baby at birth. I highly recommend it. One point she makes is that joy and sorrow are one in Christ. I love that. Through Christ, though I grieve now, it with great joy also. That doesn't lessen the pain, but it give me hope.
First we were told our only option was IVF which costs wayyyyy too much. So we thought ok, we will adopt. That is also very expensive. Finally we settled on foster care. We felt God calling us to minister to families and kids. It was a fight for many reasons to get licensed and then we waited three months.
The first child was a three year old girl. Princess A is an amazing little girl who I fell in love with at first sight. One thing we learned about foster care, it is a rollercoaster not for the faint of heart. We were told so many different things that she would stay, go, whatever. It was crazy. And as hard as it was on us, Princess A. spent a year and half of her life in limbo.
After we got Princess A, we realized that foster care isn't the way to build a permanent family. (at least not easily) So off we went to do IUI's. That is where they put the sperm up close to where it should be. On Dec 7, 2008 after being told we had 0% of it working, I had a postiive pregnancy test. But I was spotting and was told the next day it was a chemical pregnancy. By the way, IUI's are only $600 which is much cheaper than IVF.
So we waited a couple of months and tried another IUI. This time, we got pregnant and remained pregnant for 9 beautiful weeks. At a very traumatic ultrasound appointment we were told that our baby had died. There was no heartbeat, not movement. And he was smaller than he should have been.
So the next day I had a d/c. The obgyn was amazing and sensitive. This is where the grief and joy became very real to me. In the midst of my grief, God sent many friends to lift me up. To listen, to send cards and food. We still had Princess A. That was very hard to handle.
A few months later we were placed with C, who I call Little man. HOLY COW he is a cutie. We had him till October 2009. And as suddenly as he came, he was gone. He went to live with relatives of his dad. They are awesome peoeple. But as happy as I was for them, I was crushed for husband and I.
Then right as he was leaving, we were told Princess A would be leaving. At this point I begged God to take me home to my babies. The pain was overwhelming. It took three more months before Princess A left. She also went to relatives that are awesome.
So grief and joy. I love the quote from CS Lewis: "The pain now is part of the happiness then." I would not give up the pain I feel now. It would mean not having Princess A as part of my life. Or the joy of seeing those two lines on the test.
I recently read "I will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It is a beautiful story of her loss of her baby at birth. I highly recommend it. One point she makes is that joy and sorrow are one in Christ. I love that. Through Christ, though I grieve now, it with great joy also. That doesn't lessen the pain, but it give me hope.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Who am I?
I feel so self-absorbed. Really a blog? But really this is a forum for my thoughts that have been stuck swirling in my head. They have been there for a while but now I just can't live with them in there anymore. So if you happen on this blog, sorry. If you find this interesting, well, that would be shocking.
It has become apparent recently to me that I don't really know myself. This has become apparent in one particular relationship. Not only did I allow that person define who I am, she thought I was her. Not to get too self-help sounding but we were emeshed big time. So now I am figuring it out.
I was only a shadow. I wasn't even a mirror reflection of someone else. I was a black spot on the sidewalk that other's walked all over. I wasn't real. It wasn't all that person's fault. I allowed her to do it. But now, I am becoming me.
So this first post is a list about me. (told you I was self-absorbed)
I am
1. a Christian
2. Wife - I seriously have the best husband in the world.
3. foster mom - we don't have kids right now. We have had 2 kids both of whom went to wonderful relatives. We feel so blessed to have had them in our lives. They came and went over the past year and are part of what led to this time of growth for me.
4. Mom to two children in heaven. On December 7, 2008 after going through our first IUI I found out I was pregnant and losing the baby in one day. I went on to get pregnant again only to lose our precious Henry on March 17, 2009. We found out later he wouldn't have made it to birth.
5. sister, I have two very cool sisters
6. Aunt, three beautiful neices
7. passionate about many things. Ask my husband. And no I don't just mean s**
8. Serious chocolate addict
9. Starbuck addict
10. Wii lego addict. Seriously. I love blowing up lego people on the wii
11. 38 and climbing
12. an extrovert hiding in a shy girl's body.
13. a good friend and I have many good friends
14. Addicted to facebook
15. learning to grieve. It sucks.
16. a reader
17. Loves Jane Austen. I just ordered Pride and Prejudice, the movie. I used to own muliple copies of it in book form.
18. a former teacher
19. someone who lived overeas
20. Learning to be a project coordinator
21. someone who hates being confrontational but has to be sometimes. I suck at it
22. a cusser. Sorry. but I do cuss too much.
23. someone who aplogizes way too much also. sorry.
--to be continued at a later time
It has become apparent recently to me that I don't really know myself. This has become apparent in one particular relationship. Not only did I allow that person define who I am, she thought I was her. Not to get too self-help sounding but we were emeshed big time. So now I am figuring it out.
I was only a shadow. I wasn't even a mirror reflection of someone else. I was a black spot on the sidewalk that other's walked all over. I wasn't real. It wasn't all that person's fault. I allowed her to do it. But now, I am becoming me.
So this first post is a list about me. (told you I was self-absorbed)
I am
1. a Christian
2. Wife - I seriously have the best husband in the world.
3. foster mom - we don't have kids right now. We have had 2 kids both of whom went to wonderful relatives. We feel so blessed to have had them in our lives. They came and went over the past year and are part of what led to this time of growth for me.
4. Mom to two children in heaven. On December 7, 2008 after going through our first IUI I found out I was pregnant and losing the baby in one day. I went on to get pregnant again only to lose our precious Henry on March 17, 2009. We found out later he wouldn't have made it to birth.
5. sister, I have two very cool sisters
6. Aunt, three beautiful neices
7. passionate about many things. Ask my husband. And no I don't just mean s**
8. Serious chocolate addict
9. Starbuck addict
10. Wii lego addict. Seriously. I love blowing up lego people on the wii
11. 38 and climbing
12. an extrovert hiding in a shy girl's body.
13. a good friend and I have many good friends
14. Addicted to facebook
15. learning to grieve. It sucks.
16. a reader
17. Loves Jane Austen. I just ordered Pride and Prejudice, the movie. I used to own muliple copies of it in book form.
18. a former teacher
19. someone who lived overeas
20. Learning to be a project coordinator
21. someone who hates being confrontational but has to be sometimes. I suck at it
22. a cusser. Sorry. but I do cuss too much.
23. someone who aplogizes way too much also. sorry.
--to be continued at a later time
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