This morning I was talking to husband about our coming six year anniversary. I never knew that we would get to six years and be childless. I was telling him that we are only four years away from being married for 10 years. I wondered what it would be like to be married 10 years and still not have kids.
One of the most common responses from people when I tell them we can't have kids, is
it will happen eventually. You would think after five years of trying they would stop. But no, I still get that a lot. And it doesn't help that I turn 39 this year. So husband said, after my comment about in four years, "I guess we will have to get another goal by then."
It was a smack of reality right in my face. One of the struggles I have been trying to sort out since Princess A left is what is my purpose. How did having kids become my everything? Our pastor said once that anything that gets more of your attention than God is an idol. I know I have made kids an idol. It is really the first goal I have ever had that I couldnt' reach.
So if husband and I can't have kids, what is my purpose? What is my purpose now? I felt so fulfilled as a mom and now I am childless again. So I can't keep waiting for kids to be meeting the purpose God has for me. But what is that purpose?
I know "the chief end of man is to glorify God" but daily how do I live that out? I work at a non-profit but my work isn't having a direct impact on those we are trying to help or serve. I do project traffic of our marketing. It isn't a question with a direct answer right now. It is something I am pondering.
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