Grief and Joy

This past year has been hell. And it has been full of great amazing joy. Five years ago, husband and I decided to start a family. After a year, we went to a specialist and found out that we would have a hard time getting pregnant on our own.

First we were told our only option was IVF which costs wayyyyy too much. So we thought ok, we will adopt. That is also very expensive. Finally we settled on foster care. We felt God calling us to minister to families and kids. It was a fight for many reasons to get licensed and then we waited three months.

The first child was a three year old girl. Princess A is an amazing little girl who I fell in love with at first sight. One thing we learned about foster care, it is a rollercoaster not for the faint of heart. We were told so many different things that she would stay, go, whatever. It was crazy. And as hard as it was on us, Princess A. spent a year and half of her life in limbo.

After we got Princess A, we realized that foster care isn't the way to build a permanent family. (at least not easily) So off we went to do IUI's. That is where they put the sperm up close to where it should be. On Dec 7, 2008 after being told we had 0% of it working, I had a postiive pregnancy test. But I was spotting and was told the next day it was a chemical pregnancy. By the way, IUI's are only $600 which is much cheaper than IVF.

So we waited a couple of months and tried another IUI. This time, we got pregnant and remained pregnant for 9 beautiful weeks. At a very traumatic ultrasound appointment we were told that our baby had died. There was no heartbeat, not movement. And he was smaller than he should have been.

So the next day I had a d/c. The obgyn was amazing and sensitive. This is where the grief and joy became very real to me. In the midst of my grief, God sent many friends to lift me up. To listen, to send cards and food. We still had Princess A. That was very hard to handle.

A few months later we were placed with C, who I call Little man. HOLY COW he is a cutie. We had him till October 2009. And as suddenly as he came, he was gone. He went to live with relatives of his dad. They are awesome peoeple. But as happy as I was for them, I was crushed for husband and I.

Then right as he was leaving, we were told Princess A would be leaving. At this point I begged God to take me home to my babies. The pain was overwhelming. It took three more months before Princess A left. She also went to relatives that are awesome.

So grief and joy. I love the quote from CS Lewis: "The pain now is part of the happiness then." I would not give up the pain I feel now. It would mean not having Princess A as part of my life. Or the joy of seeing those two lines on the test.

I recently read "I will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It is a beautiful story of her loss of her baby at birth. I highly recommend it. One point she makes is that joy and sorrow are one in Christ. I love that. Through Christ, though I grieve now, it with great joy also. That doesn't lessen the pain, but it give me hope.