Finding Happiness and desire

It has been awhile. I couldn't even remember my sign in.

This past month has been insane. We moved, our dog ran away, our dog died. Everyone has kept telling us that this move is a good thing. We are leaving a lot of awful hard memories behind. But really, happiness isn't dependant on where I am living.

Several people in our devotional time at work have read about what it means to be happy and about desire. Happiness is a choice. I have heard that love is a choice, that joy isn't dependant on situations, but never that happiness is a choice.

I think it has to do with focus. What am I focusing on? A few weeks ago I was talking to my boss about the workload of our department. I said we were overloaded. But really we were just full. He said to watch what I am saying because the words I chose will impact how people view their workload.

I started thinking about how I think about my life. I am person of extremes. I bounce from emotion to emotion with little thought to the words I say to myself. One day, after this conversation, I got into a funk. I came to realize in my head I kept saying over and over: "I am unhappy" "life sucks" I realized I was not helping my mood by the words I am repeating to myself.

So happiness is a choice that is impacted by the words I am saying to myself. So what does this have to do with desire.

I want to be a mom. Badly. I don't think a day passes that I don't think about it. I desire it almost too much. The thought repeats itself almost constantly "I want to be a mom" "This is so unfair." "Why her and not me?" (this is a new thought that recently happened)

After all God will give us the desires of our heart right? It isn't that I am doubting God. I know He can meet this desire. I have lost the belief that He will. So that leaves me with these thoughts that I need to let go of. I need to replace them. With what, I am still processing that. I am not giving up on having children. I am trying to hold it a little more loosely.

My happiness depends on it.